Homesick and
Lonesome. Back in Sidney in March after his marriage but without his wife, the
newlywed pined for his wife and lamented his situation. "I feel very lonesome Would
love to be with my wife Am not perfectly satisfied the way some things are done Will mind
my P’s and Q’s" "Conklin went to Wapak" Williams reported once
again in April. "Came back sober for a wonder.""Letter from Lulu
(Eloise) She is very anxious to have me home" he wrote in May, just a few months
before they would join in one household in Troy. "Purchased some chairs – it
takes money to go to House keeping" he reported in August.
Returning from war, studying for the bar,
marrying, and setting up housekeeping: these were busy days of accomplishment for young
Williams. For all this success, however, his diary seems overloaded by introspection and
concern for his war-compromised health. "Am not very well" on January 15,
"Feeling very unwell" on February 8, but "feeling well" by March 2,
Williams also tracked the health of his wife ("Lulu quite unwell this evening"
– June 26). Did Sidney contribute to his unrest? "Great vice and immorality
exist here" he noted on August 7, not making clear if his reference was to Sidney or
the larger national community. "Am not at all satisfied to remain here" he said
of Sidney (May 19).
Getting Ready for the Bar Exam. He often reassured
himself of success as an attorney, as if he feared failure. "I am fully determined to
labor for success as a lawyer" (March 2). "My future will require all my
attention" (March 30). "Am satisfied that I will make a business lawyer if I
have good opportunity" (April 21). "The Ohio Code must become a part of my
mind" (May 10). "Hope to be successful as a lawyer" (July 20).
"Studying It will require hard work to pass (July 23). "Am trying to be prepared
for the ordeal of examination" (August 6).
Law books claimed only part of his reading. "Finished The Scarlet Letter to
day It is a strange and wild tale Beautiful in its moral" (May 31). Williams was
likely spurred to read Hawthorne’s book because of the famous author’s death
just 12 days before. "Reading Life of Stonewall Jackson He was
truly a remarkable man An honor to the profession of Arms" (May 21).
Then, success at last. "Committees appointed to examine me We passed triumphantly
Had a high time to night Am well," he reported happily on August 11. The next day,
"Sworn in this morning as an Atty at Law The hope of my youth is gratified."
Still, he worried. "Will sink or swim at this place" (Aug. 24), he said of Troy
where he hoped to establish a practice. "Hope to succeed in life" (Sept. 5) and
"Am anxious in regard to my prospects" (Sept. 10). Worst of all, he closed the
year with this: "no flattering prospect before me."
Almost every entry in the yearlong diary treated the national political scene and the
latest war news. He hoped for victory, but grew tired of the war: "The Party in Power
appear determined to prosecute the war until every slave is free" was his sarcastic
political assessment on January 9. "Am hopeful but fearful of the future" he
said in May. "Our Armies are making slow progress" read a June entry.
"Public feeling is increasing for peace" was his conclusion in August.
"Lincoln has swept every thing 4 years more of war and blood" he despaired in
November.